This is just a story I wrote a while ago
it's unedited and not spell checked
enjoy (copyrighted - MAB)
Well I’m just sitting at home just tuggin at a smoke, waiting for some time to pass, and my luck to change direction. Considering I got nothing better to do I check for toe jam and belly button lint. I get out of my chair and walk around the room a couple of times, and wonder what the hell I’m going to do about the situation I’m in. I mean I’ve got enough cash the next little while, if I cut down on the drinkin’ to three to five times a week, can’t cut out the finer
things in life, get my friends to drive me around, and more or less take advantage of every one around , and maybe at a future date pay them back. But by then they will have figured out my scheme and gotten rid of me as a pal anyway , so I won’t have to pay them back. I’m usually a day late and a dollar short, so nothing like that will never happen.
So now that I have gotten that out of my system I figure I should head out the door, which I do , and head out to my local house of dreams. A minute later I sit at the counter of the bar and
order a triple whiskey drink , sip it nice and easy , just like in the movies, and look around theplace so I can check the aura today because it can change like the wind on a fall day. I look to the right and then to the left and then into my drink straight ahead. Ya know one of those far away looks in which a person is captivated for not a real long time, but so intense that it feels like a long time.The only problem with this is that you ain’t concentrating on stuff around you, so with out even an idea of what is happening this crack of a metal beam is introduced to my face, and I fall to the floor with a mouthful of blood and teeth.
“Juices H. Murphy what the fuckkkkinnnngggg shit was that for?”
“That's right motherfucker man , youse ass is in deep shit.” This guy was screaming and jumping around like some kind of monkey. Then this look in his eyes comes around , and he stops dancing. In fact, he starts shacking a bit and his eyes start buggin’ out, just like a rats, he turns real pale , and his lips start quacking.
“Sorry man , like for real , you are the wrong guy and I am seriously extremely sorry.”
Mean while I’m on the ground with blood covering everything in a six foot diameter, and my mouth looks like the kid who wants his two front teeth for Christmas. So I look around and find my two precious artifacts, my teeth, and shove them back into my gums. Believe it or not you can do this , but only if not a hell of a lot of time has passed, and afterward don’t eat an apple for a month or two. I can tell you not a lot of people know this fact because everyone in the bar is in awe, either because they saw my teeth being knocked out , or I put them back in. After an other second I stand up and look the gut straight in the eye and say, “YOU FUUCCCKKKEEERRR!” , I put my knee into the ninety degree position, and he starts suckin’ wind, as he creeks over holding his groin, then I start bashing his head into my knee, until he passes out, or gave up, because he went down hard.
After I ordered , and finished my next drink, I looked around and it seemed like some joker put some holes in the bags at a blood doner clinic, the place was bloody. Anyway, after my next whiskey I left the building, and I can tell people were looking at me. I mean who wouldn’t, a guy with the persona of a bloody, semi-drunkin’, sweat slobbered wharf rat, with two teeth hangin’ from a thread, and being pushed in every two seconds. I mean , Christ I look pretty bad, if one was to place me as a typical , normal, average nobody.
So I’m walkin' down the street I pass a construction sight, and as most do I takes me a little looks inside. It’s the usual thing , guys drinking red wine, eating really big sandwiches and yelling at some fat women who are on there lunch break, they like it. I’m still looking through little window and a huge brick lands on my head , so I found out after my recovery. Believe it or not the brick was a little more painful than the metal beam in the chops. Mostly because one of the corners hit square on the tip of my crown. The blood must have spurted up about thirty feet , like a fire plug going at full tilt. Another trick the mass populace does not know about is that in such a dire emergency all one has to do is get a hanky, for show or for blow it can always come in handy, and shove it in the hole as quickly as possible. As I look around to see who it might
be I see two guys climbing down from the scaffolding, and running away, so I figure it was them. So I start high tailing it after them, and within five or six blocks I catch up with them and throw them to the ground. I play it real cool, I start sayin stuff like, “ Listen
boys, take it easy, I know a good joke when I feel one. I know you did not want it to turn out this way.” Once they started to relax a bit I let them have it with all I got . First I smashed there heads together, then grounded the faces into the pavement , while screaming , “Ya, you didn’t want to get caught , ya low fucking cesspool of crusted lap dog puke!” After my onslaught they were pretty bad , I don’t think Oscar Goldman could put them back together again. So with my attitude attached to my conscious I go along my merry way and let those two hoodlums fend for themselves.
After all this excitement in just fifteen minutes of I decide I’m fuckin beat, so I find the nearest watering whole and order one of those fancy drinks, a triple C.C. on the rocks, and a little sass o’ gin. This drink went down so very well I went for another, and another. The pain from those two sharp blows was getting better, so I figure I might as well keep the medication going. I look at the clock and it’s somewhere around eleven thirty, and I’ll sit here for a while because I’ve had all the exercise I need for a while. So I order another drink while squeeze the last drop out of the last one, but I guess I was squeezing too hard because the glass broke in my hand severing many muscles and tendons in my fingers. But before I can react to this new development some of the sharp glass falls right into my throat and cuts long, thin, painful slits all the way down my throat, which is possibly the most painful thing that has happened to me today, but only by a sliver. So as the blood is streaming past my larynx and into my intestinal track, and settling into my stomach, I was thinking ‘Now what can I do?’. I calm down, come to my senses, shove my fingers down my throat, the unharmed ones, and search for the specks of glass. After about thirty seconds I pull out what I think is the last piece and start drinking to sterilize the wounds , and to relieve some of the pain from shoving my fingers down my neck, which probably did more harm then good.
So as I am sitting at the bar ,with a drink, this beautiful doll comes up to me and asks me if everything was O.K. and I say, “As well as to be expected , considering what has happened.”.She looked at me with a smile and said, “I think you’re kind of cute, like a lost puppy dog, type of cute.” Now all I can think is this lady is some kind of strange. I mean I have a blood soaked white -T shirt on, two front teeth ready to fall out and a piece of fucking towel sticking out of my head. As I am thinking this she starts blowing in my ear, and saying sweet nothings . I’m just going with it, ya know, and then she starts kissing my mouth, pries my lips open and sticks her tongue down my throat . I mean her whole tongue. It must have been a foot long , five inches wide and two inches thick, Gene Simmons would look like a little peanut boy to a tongue that could tame lions. As she was almost suffocating me she gives out this tremendous scream, and pulls out her tongue, which took about thirty seconds, and it was covered in blood, saliva, and it was split right down the middle. I guess she found one of the pieces of glass I must have missed. In this case I was not really prepared so I wrapped another hanky around her tongue, so , in time the two pieces would grow back together, and she would never speak with a forked tongue.(OOOOOO, I COULD NEVER PASS THAT ONE UP).
Anyway , she went running threw the front door of the bar screaming some gibberish about this and that, and the other thing.So big deal ,it won’t be the last i lose a dame because of my over sensitive nature towards others feelings. I mean I really know how she felt. I’m the guy who was almost killed a couple of times today by twelve noon.
So at this lull in the day I figure I should go back to my apartment and grab some chow, and relax a wee bit. On the way there I could feel my luck changing, and I’m at the beginning of a GRAND CRESCENDO. I’m looking both ways before I cross the street, I’m saying hello to all the folks walking, wishing everybody the best o’ luck, crossing my ‘T’s and dotting my ‘I’s , and doing everything to perfection. Then I realize what a beautiful day it is, and I think I should by a nice bottle of something nice fancy, and
daring. I’m walking down the street, getting closer to my abode, I notice that the ground is getting closer at quite a good clip, and my brain finally realizes that I am falling at the same diameter as my height. This means that when I’m standing straight up and falling down as you brain gives your the diameter reading, this can only mean one thing .
This one thing is that I am falling , with my hands in my pockets, right on my face and I will be in a great amount of pain, once again today. Now that I am looking into lust filled concrete, and noticing the deep shade of purple covering my scopaphic vision, I notice that I am right in front of a liquor store. Then I realize I have seen this pavement up close, the blood is a bit new , but curb I have seen before. I get up and stagger into the store , say hello to Floyd, I don’t know his real name, but he looks like the barber from the Andy Griffith show.
“Hay, man” He says, before I cut him off and say , “No time for chit chat, just give me the bottle .” He puts the bottle in a bag , I pay him , and I scatter up to my room. I
open the bottle and start swigging it down like there was no tomorrow, polish it off and throw the empty bottle across the room. I look at it , but it don’t look familiar , so I go over
and pick it up, move it back and forth in front of my eyes. Oh fuck , now I don’t believe, or feel proud of what I did. A little embarrassed just telling you about it, and now I know I have a problem because I just finished a bottle of third grad cough syrup.
CHAPTER TWO
As I sit in what I think is my leather arm chair I wonder about things that annoy the hell out of me. Of course, I figure that there must be others that feel the same. I mean people who eat while there on the radio, or phone should have whatever there eating shoved down there throat as fast as possible. It sounds , to me, like you have squires , chip monks, or worms burring in your ear. That sound amongst others turns my spine into jelly, and my personality into that of a Amuderious Lech who must destroy that noise at once. A person only makes that noise to piss ya off anyway, so they deserve a tremendous amount of abuse. Now that I have gotten that off my chest I’m going to meet this blind date, whom I was just talking to on the phone, and of course she was eating right into the fucking receiver. The worst thing is that I could picture this fat bush pig , lard ass of a woman talking with food in and falling out of her mouth , yapping about absolutely nothing , except here favorite kind of cheese topping. I personally don’t think I should go , but what the fuck , I need a free meal. I hope she ain’t a VEGETARIAN. I don’t think she is , on the phone I think I heard a side of beef falling from her mouth while she was talking.
I get into my car and start crusing down the freeway to meet this girl, I mean woman. Ya can’t call females girls anymore or they go straight for the first venerable spot on the males body, the pocket book.
I get to the designated spot for this woman and I see this absolute beauty waltz towards me and ask if I am Soandso, I say “Yes”, as I’m thinking , “YESUM,YESUM ,
three bags full.”, and she hops in the car. As we speed of into the smog I hand her a napkin for the 10 different condiments from the Hotdog she just woofed down. Along the way I start the conversation by asking if she wants to go somewhere before we go back to my place, and she giggles and says she wants to go for a drink. So we head to one of my favorite places, but when we get there it had changed into a Mexican fast food place, but she wants to go in anyway. I pull out in front , she hops out , and I go park the car. I get inside the restaurant and she had already gotten an order of natchos, and two beers. I sit across from her and I get the full view of this sick smelling, and looking cheese running down her face. I mean it was something like would drive a man to drink, so I went for one of those beers in front of her, but she telegraphed that move, because she reaches around the table and pulls in everything so that nobody could get nothing, and then she says, “GET YOUR OWN!”. This, of course is while she is stuffing food and drink in her face, and spitting out little , and not so little chunks of her chips o’ cheese. So I did
the only thing a normal human being could do, I vomited on the table , and walked out. A little while later, after I stepped out , she came running after me saying she didn’t have any cash, so I told her to go fuck herself. As I turned out she did have some money but she did not wish to pay. Some how she talked herself back into my good graces, and in the car she was telling me how sorry she was, and how she would make it up to me, “One way , or another.” she said with lust in her eyes, I almost vomited again right then and there.
I let bygones, be bygones, and we started driving across town , and I started daydreaming about what it would be like to see the world in it’s natural state, without it’s bullshit frosting, and how much I would like a stiff drink, what it would be like to fly, be invisible, and how nice it would be to have a respectable woman beside me. I snap out of this mindless thought when I notice this woman is nibbling at my ear, and I start thinking that she might not be so bad after all, but then I feel this slimy sensation around
my ear, and I feel it running down my neck. Oh well, I think to myself, but then I smell that cheese flavor all around, I look over and she had that Natcho cheese in her mouth, I
guess she had put some in her sacks in her mouth. I push her away, and I see hersmiling , a shit eating grin, which really pissed me off, so I kicked her out of the car, while
it was still moving. So I’m driving along picking at the cheese , which has turned as hard as cement. I go at it with a letter opener, which was in my glove compartment. This procedure was very painful, but nothing I have not felt before. I’m driving along going at it like a hooker at a herpes sore, and I see a friend walking down the street. I pull over and tell him to get in. So he does and I think I’ve had enough of this sober thing, I mean it has been a little while since I spent twenty bucks on cough syrup , so we decide to go down to the river for a couple of drinks.
We go inside this bar we use to hang out at when we were younger, and I ordered six whiskeys and four beers, yes for both, all ways go slow at the beginning. Me
and my old buddy start talking about the old times, and the different directions we have gone, which turned out to not be that different. We slug down to whiskeys and yell,
“YYOOOOUU DDDOGGGYYYY.” we both laugh. We sit around this neck of the woods for a while and we realize it is time to move on. He says we should go pick up some
young ladies. I don’t think it is such a good idea, my luck in that direction was not that good lately, but what the fuck.
We go back to my place, get all snazzed up, and we hit the town running.We got a nice glow on, we is looking good there just ain’t know stopping us.We walk down the street to one of the local watering holes to start things off. But as we walk in I notice that this place has changed atmosphere. I was dark , smoky, with romantic music playing, and neon lit phones all over the place. Oh shit, I think to myself, this is one of those new pick up joints. I look at my pal , and he looks at me and says, “What the fuck it might be good for a laugh.” So we sit down at a table with one of those neon phones, and we
order a couple of drinks, and relax into one of those soft leather chairs, just like the one I have at home, so I feel extra relaxed. The drinks come and were about to pay for them , but the waitress says two females too care of the tab. “Fuckin’ a right!” we both modestly belch out. The next thing you know the phone starts ringing and we look at each other and my companion picks up the phone and says, “What the fuck do you want stinkin’ whores?”, and bangs the phone down. I sit there a little startled, and he explains that they will phone back if they are really interested, besides if they don’t have a sense ofhumor we don’t want them anyway. I figure you can’t argue that logic, so I hold up my glass for the demanditory ‘Cheers’, we sit back and wait for the next call. About a minute later a call comes in and me ole pal picks up the receiver and he says that he was sorry about what he had said before, that he was just testing their sense of humor, and that they should come over for a cocktail or two. He hangs up the phone
and he tells me , “They are on there on there way over , Yippipidy, you!”
So we were looking around the bar to see these two femainqua peer their heads in our direction. A couple of seconds later these two women came over , and let me tell you , they was looking good. The taller one says, “Is this phone number 5? We are really sorry, but we called the wrong number, we wanted number 8.” So they leave and we look at each other, order a couple more drinks, and proceed to mend our broken hearts.Two minutes later out hearts feel as good as new, and the two same women come back and say, “We just wanted to test out your sense of humor, tee heee.” M y friend smiles and asks them to sit down, and all I can think is, dumb cunts. We go threw the usual bullshit , we get up, all four of us, and leave the pick up joint because for all bodies concerned the mission had been accomplished and it can only go up from here, unless you say something stupid, or ya pass out. So everyone’s all smiles, and ready to get stinko, so that everyone has the excuse in the morning to feel bad and both say, “I’ll call ya later.” (hardy har har) , and complain to all your friends that you were drunk , and how she \ he was not that ugly last night. So as we are leaving I pat one of them on the ass , and I notice that is really soft and watery feeling. It must be ‘water on the ass’ I think to myself as I’m chuckling to myself into outer space thinking about beaver later.
“What are you laughing at?” one of the girls says.
“Nothing.” I say.
“I hate it when people do that.” she spits out.
“Fuck off.”
“WHAT?”
“Nothing” I say, and we go on our merry war, uhh way.
We are walking, the idle conversation is busting loose, about nothing particular, but very typical, as usual. So we head to the next bar, and sit and await out next serving of liquidrefreshment. I’m sitting with the girl I patted on the but, and my friend is with the loud mouth, no not Norma Rae, who is taking, and talking with nothing to say. So I try to flag down a server and await the utopia of the next massive development of becoming semi-hammered.
Now I might as well spare the readers the next bit of situation, and just head to the more mentionable and exciting part of the evening, in which the two happy couples go on their merry way. After the hour of stumbling to get to my place , on the way of course she is groping me, and kissing my ear, which brings back so very bad memories, we go inside my pad, while she is picking out what looks like old cheese from her teeth, and she says, “What a darlin’ apartment.” That on it’s own would usually make me kick someone out,but I felt in a good mood, good enough to do some charity work anyway. She asks where the bathroom is , I point, and she goes. So I realize I should make the bed, and clean up my room. As I’m doing this she comes storming out of the bathroom, as naked as a Jay Bird, and proceeds to jump around like a monkey, which also brought back so painful memories. I don’t know what to make of this so I pay no attention, until she pulls me into the bedroom, by the hair, and throws me into the bed, not on, into the bed. Then she climbs on to the dresser, beating her chest, and screaming like Tarzan.
All I can do is shake my head, and wonder what is going on. As she dances around I notice this shiny round thing on her ass. I decided not to question it, and Let her ritual
mating dance finish so that I can get my duties over and go to sleep. As she is still going at it I rub my eyes, as I do that she leaps into the air and lands right on me. I can’t believe
what just happened, she almost poked one of my eyes out. Now I,m fucking pissed off, not to mention that my sight is a might impaired. She starts to rip my clothes off, what could possible be next, well I might as well go with the flow. I mean I did spend some cash tonight . So I start croon out a little number, and she says , “Pinch my ass lover, but only the right side.” What the, any way I do as she tells me and she starts freaking out , and squirming like a little worm with salt being poured on it. So what the hell I might as pinch the other side . As I go for it she pulls my hand back, “Just the right side.” she says.
I figure it’s a little game she want to play. I know it sounds stupid , but I’m sure you have done stupider things. So I figure I’ll fake her out and go for the kill. What a mistake that was. All of a sudden, when I pinch the buttock all this liquid comes pouring out all over the place . I mean gallons of it. Mean while back at the ranch , she is running around screaming in pain, all I can say is “Sorry”.
Things start to cool down after about fifteen minutes, and she reminds me that she asked me not to do that. I look up to the celling and say, “No fucking kidding!”, and then she proceeds to tell me that her friend burned her with an Iron during one of their sex games. “Holly shit.” I think. So then she gives me this weird look in her eyes. The look of revenge I have seen so often in my life. She takes my hand and starts rubbing the open wound with it . This once seamless abrasion is now oozing with puss, and blood covering my hand , and body. I can’t believe me eyes. Then the women starts growing veins, large teeth , bulging eyes, and a huge booze nose. She starts to pull my face towards the festering boil. Then she slaps my face, and flings my across the room, possibly the second strongest woman I have ever met. Then she stands over me and pissing on my face and I hear “WWWAAAKKKEEE UUUPPPP MMMAAANNN!!!”. I open my eyes and my buddy is standing over me with a glass of water in his hand, and says “Time to get rolling man.”
I can’t believe he just fucked up a perfect dream. I get up and I see my place and it’s a total wreck.
“Have a good time last night?”
“It’s morning?”
“Five at night , son.”
“Man, the boil juice must have made me pass out.”
“What?”
“I’ll tell you later, lets get a beer.”
“O.K. wild man, what ever you say.”
Walking to the bar he tells me that he and the other girl snuck off, and that at her apartment was weird.
CHAPTER THREE
As I sit in my leather chair, and clear out the cobwebs, I reflect on weather to go
out or not. So me and my buddy talk things over , while listening to the Modern JazzQuartet, Blues at Carnegie Hall, and I demand that we plan things out, cause otherwise it could only lead to disaster. We look at each other and say “ROAD TRIP”. I get packed, we drive down to his place, he gets packed and we head out down the road.
So off we are, to the stringent ways of decadence and remorse. So fuckin what , what can you do when the ways of determinism pull you on the path of rightness, and
goodness, all ya can do is cruuzzzz with it. With this in mind, I drive to the nearest area of where the worlds greatest Rock and Roll band, The Cheap Whores, are playing. These guys have the most amazing staying power.
On the road we see these two hitch hikers, who
kind of look like two kids from the ‘Farkle Family’, except they wore leather. We figured we would give them a couple o’ beer, and a little snappy conversation. But low and behold they started to pull out his huge joints and bottles of whiskey. So I think to myself this couldn’t get much finer. So we are movin’ down the highway drinkin’, smokin’ and carrin’, on until one of em’ says, “ Excuse me but mumble, mumble!” I turn around and the kid is fucking green. “SSSSSHHHHIIIIITTTTT.” I scream. I pull the car over and start beating them over the head with their own packs and I take their booze, drugs, and tell them to learn how to use intoxicants properly, or don’t use them at all.
Within 10 seconds those crettions were for gotten, and we were on our decadent way. Well I guess deviant to some, but to us it was just clean fun. What can I say, the top of the car is down, the tunes are loud, the drinks are handy and our guns are loaded. Relaxation is what we are ‘in tune’ with, not any positive mother fucking energy, until I
hear, ‘BBBAANNGGG, FFFLLLUUUBBBBB, FFFLLLUUUBBBBB” A flat tire, shitI don’t know what to do, I don’t eve know if I have a Jack, or a spare tire. I get out
and I yell so that fuckhead, gets out and I tell him to take pictures of me changin' the tire. So I look in the the trunk, and I find exactly what I is looking for, I smile in to the camera as he takes a picture. I take everything out, I smile into the camera, picture, and this goes on until I finish , I put the stuff back into the trunk, and we get on our way.
During the next hour or so the conversation went on as usual. The subject of normal human gross bullshit and unlikely tails of adventure and disgust, but none the
less entertaining. The next thing I know my buddy is sneezing away, but he is holding his nose at the same time. So I say to him , ‘Don’t ya know that, that sort of activity might blow the back of your head off.He tells me not to worry about it, so I just think nothing of it. We are driving along and all of a sudden this huge sneeze come out, but it is semi-covered up because he held his nose closed, I look beside me and the hole back of his fuckin’ head is clear off his person. I mean I saw his brain giggling around in his head.
This took me by surprise so much that I had to take a picture of it. I pull to the side of the road, got out the camera and told him to smile. He did , and I asked him if I could touch part of his brain, he said O.K.. I started by using a toothpick I had in my mouth. I poke part of his brain and he kicks the dashboard, we both laugh. I look to the back seat, after a couple more pokes to the brain, and I notice that the back of his head is in the back seat, kind of just sitting there. I say nothing and by trial and error I find out how to slap himself in the face. So as he is more, or less, slapping the crap out of himself, I am howling so hard I almost piss myself. After the novelty of this event subsides, I took the back of his head, and crammed it back in , nice and snug. Then I asked him if there was anything else that I could do? He says that if I just give him a cap to wear he will be O.K.. I pull a cap out from under the car seat, he puts it on his head, and I could not believe my eyes, he was as happy as a little clam. In fact the was howlin’ louder than usual, so I thought nothing of it, but I knew, sooner or later, his little fashion statement would end up in terror, and pain. I was not too sure who this little trip would hurt, but I did know it would be someone around us.
For the rest of the drive I thought nothing of this incident, maybe it was for the best, and to tell ya the truth the rest of the drive was more of the same, so I’ll spare you
the messy, messy details. We get to the show, hell I don’t know, a year or two later, pissed, and foamin’ at the mouth. The main objective is to find a way in to the concert without payin’ a cent to get in. We check all the doors, and corners ect. The only thing we didn’t do was hit some poor unsuspecting slob over the head with a 2x4. But that was our next logical course of action to get tickets. We decide to get our shit together buy gettin’ a couple more drinks into the system, and other assorted foolish things. So we cruuzzzz to the nearest respectable drinkin’ establishment, and plop ourselves down at a table. “A mess o’ drinks for us and only us.” my partner screams across the whole tavern. I could, of course, deal with such extroverted
behavior, but apparently not too many others could. Usually people have enough class to ignore such salty behavior, but not here. I thought for a second that we might wind up dead, or worse. The next thing I know the whole fuckin’ bar gets up and walks towards us, we look at each other and smile.I mean what the fuck else were we going to do. When I say tension was mounting, it was like a fifteen year old boy with his first hooker, fast, sloppy, and hopping it would soon all be over. “What do you want?” a man with a serving tray says. “Four whiskey’s, six beers, two tequila and four glasses of whit wine.” my associate says.“We don’t serve wine in here.” the server says. “Then
make it two more whiskeys and six more beers, my good man.” I say.
“And how do you plan to pay for this.” the server asks, with the crowd behind him.
“FFFFUUUUCCCKKK!"
